Sometimes, i look at my parents and i just feel sad for them.

I wonder what happened to the people who got married when they were young and in love.

It makes me wonder if all marriages eventually just end up becoming a matter of habit. That you will forget what made you fall head over heels in love with the person, and allow the pain of all the unresolved arguments overcome all the love.

I look at my Mum and i know she is in so much pain. She cries, because she wants attention from my Dad. But my Dad is just clueless on what he has to do. After 32 years of marriage, if you don’t know what each other needs, that is just sad.

jo march

Right now, my hormones are telling me that i should have fucked him.

Every part of my body wants him when the memories of us being intimate hits me.

It’s a horrible feeling to even think about the boy i love the most so graphically.

It’s selfish to use him in my head even though i am no longer in his life.

Yet,

I still want him so bad.

Still, my head tells me i would have regretted going all the way with him because he has never loved me.

I think i would feel even worst than i do now if we really had sex.

I think i would have regretted giving it away to someone who has never loved me.

Being physically intimate with someone seriously screws with your emotions- it makes you feel things that aren’t real ie: he made me feel loved when we were in bed, but his actions spoke otherwise when we were out of bed.

Something about our hormones wanting to bond with the object of our affections that makes us go crazy when the desire to bond with them isn’t reciprocated.

Something like that.

I remind myself i have chosen to let him go, and today in this moment, it is a test to see how faithful i am to that choice.

I just hope God is listening closely.

That i will hang on to Him and not use my beloved anymore.

he is just the most irresistable in bed, that it makes me weak thinking about him.

jo march